Funny Mail

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AN OLD MAN LAY SPRAWLED ACROSS THREE ENTIRE SEATS IN THE MOVIE THEATER.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"SORRY SIR, BUT YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED ONE SEAT."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge. THE USHER BECAME MORE
IMPATIENT. "SIR, IF YOU DON'T GET UP FROM THERE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL
THE MANAGER."

Once again, the old man just groaned. THE USHER MARCHED BRISKLY BACK UP
THE AISLE, AND IN A MOMENT HE RETURNED WITH THE MANAGER. TOGETHER THE TWO
OF THEM TRIED REPEATEDLY TO MOVE THE OLD DISHEVELED MAN, BUT WITH NO
SUCCESS. FINALLY THEY SUMMONED THE POLICE.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?" "FRED," THE OLD MAN MOANED. "WHERE YA FROM, FRED?"
ASKED THE POLICE OFFICER.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred
replied,
"The balcony."

A romantic story.  Kinda brings tears to my eyes.

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset
because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it, watching the football game."




A Blonde In Church
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.
Give me an Amen Brother!!!

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping coffee in silence,

The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM & TALL, 40 D Breasts, 24" WAIST and 34" HIPS

UNDERWEAR DUST One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast' . Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded .   The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer . 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out . ' Cathy ', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker .. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!   'guys just never learn, do not piss off the woman'

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. He told them."We have arrived" 

The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "thank you". The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap.

The driver was shocked, thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But he asked "what’s that for?"

The 3rd guy replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!". . .

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A fifteen-year old boy walked into a pharmacy. "How much is it for one condom?", he asked the pharmacist.

"Sorry, son, but they only come in packs of three and they're $3.50," said the pharmacist.

"Darn," said the disappointed boy, "I don't have enough money. And today I was planning on getting lucky with my new girlfriend."

"Well," said the pharmacist, "in that case you can take a box for free."

"Gee, thanks!!!" yelled the boy as he dashed out the door holding the box of condoms.

That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed.

"I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, obviously very impressed.

"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply.

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Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."

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